Friday, 18 May 2012

Even our belongings are nuts!

I don't know if it is just in our home but it is not only the people who live here who make it a madhouse. Our inanimate objects are also entirely bonkers. Seriously, I can't work out if there is some sort of glitch in our system which makes everything about this house slightly odd or whether it is just how they make things nowadays. It is bizarre, akin to living in the fun house. When my Mum comes to babysit I have to leave her a list of instructions so she can work everything.

We have the front door which will only open if you turn the key at exactly the right angle, to open it when you are inside you have to push on the door in the right place.  Visitors only come here once then they can't get back out again.
Talking of not being able too get out again we have safety gates everywhere to entertain Kerrie and each one opens in a slightly different way, it is like trying to get through a maze only there is no prize waiting for you at the end. Kerrie watches me struggle then effortlessly opens them herself with a look that can only mean Ha!

 The TV only works if you press number six before you do anything else. The phone cables which were connected to the sky box never worked properly despite being looked at by three different engineers and fully replaced three times with three different boxes used over the course of a few years. Last month I gave up cancelled the second box and unplugged both phone cables, the initial idea was to shave some money of our rather extortionate monthly bill, seconded by noticing the clever monkeys were putting the same channel on both boxes at once so that as they were playing in both rooms they didn't miss anything. The idea behind getting multi room was so that we could have one TV for grown ups and one for kids, this idea had long since died a death as the kids had taken over both sets.  It was our one luxury since we don't get out much in the evening with five kids but we found that the only time we get to watch anything is when they are all in bed so we don't need two sets then. An added bonus is with no longer having multi room we don't have to keep the phone line plugged in. Happy days as my husband says.

We have a little old portable TV in our bedroom connected to a free view box on an indoor aerial, this works fairly well despite the on line free view pages telling me it wont because we need an aerial on the roof. I only really use it at night while I am sat feeding Lucy but for the first few evenings I couldn't work out why it would give up and the screen would freeze usually around eight thirty or nine'o'clock. This was getting annoying since most programmes that I watch are on for an hour and so I kept missing the end.  Eventually I worked out that this co-incided with Chloe going to bed and further investigation revealed that she was lying in bed texting her friends from her mobile when she should have been going to sleep.  It appears the free view box does not like mobile phones, neither do I when they mean bleary eyed kids in the morning!

 The cooker timer is stuck so every time we flick the power button it buzzes loudly until you can manage to hit three buttons all at exactly the same time. We can't leave it switched on all the time because we have Kerrie, enough said!  The catch on the tumble dryer door is broken, it works but only if you wibble it, bit like my brain in the morning........

 The sky plus box is temperamental as was its predecessor which died with a full planner of things I had recorded but not had chance to watch yet - good job I am far too busy to remember what was actually on there! Actually this one makes me laugh, I know that the box takes a good ten minutes to warm up when I switch it on in the morning so my usual practise is to switch it onto standby and then make a brew, when I get back it will be ready to go, ask it to work any sooner and it goes all stubborn and refuses to work at all. It is mine what do you expect!
I live here so I am used to it, however whenever I have cause to phone sky for help the first thing they ask me to do is switch the box off and then turn it back on. I always explain that it will take an age to come back on and I've already tried this being familiar with the routine. They never believe me so I go ahead and switch it off, then back on.........they wait and they wait and they wait then they start insisting it must be back on now, erm no actually it is stuck on standby, do they actually thing that I like paying their inflated call rates so much that I would pretend it is not working just so I could have a chat with their call centre staff? Hmmmm what shall I do today ooh I know I will call sky because I am bored!

The toaster finally gave up the ghost last week after one side of it died an unexplained death a few weeks ago. Maybe they are overworked in this house but we seem to be buying a new kettle and toaster roughly every twelve months. We have tried mid range and we have tried cheap versions and they both last the same length of time. We have resigned ourselves to buying a cheap kettle and toaster and expect to replace it yearly. One day I will actually get organised and buy a spare in preparation, well you know how I love my cup of tea. It is truly a bad day when I wake up to find the kettle wont work. My lovely friend was once on her way here for a brew, as usual she kindly rang me to ask if there was anything I needed, she meant cake, cheesecake or cream cake we are not fussy as long as cake is mentioned somewhere in the item description. She was slightly surprised when I asked to buy a kettle as ours had zonked yet again. Very good timing on her part as I was just resorting to boiling water in a pan when she phoned.

  The toaster I could cope without because we do have a grill that is if I can move all the oven trays and clutter we keep in the top oven to use it. That is the trouble with this house whatever you want to use you have to move ten other things first. Steve decided to buy a new toaster so at least one thing in this house is all shiny and new and working for the timebeing. (way to go Helen, just jinxed it!)

I could keep going but at this point I am not sure whether to laugh at this daily interaction with everything going it's own sweet way regardless of what it is actually supposed to do or I could get rather depressed that nothing wants to work the way it should.  I think however that I shall pop downstairs and make myself a nice cuppa and some toast.........assuming I can open all the gates and get the kettle and toaster to play fair that is!

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